Fire in the Wind

I don't think I had mentioned this in any of my earlier post, but the same day my father died, one of our cats went missing.  I was the first to come home from the hospital and found the front door partially open.  I had left home before all the perimedics had, so I assume one didn't get the door closed all the way, which is easy to do with our front door.

Anyway, I quickly searched the house for the cats.  Cheddar was missing.  We have been frantically searching for him.  Apparently, Lenny was howling and scratching at the front door, so my mom went to check the porch.  And there was Cheddar, eating from the food dish we had put out on the porch for him.

Cheddar appears to be in good condition, in need of some grooming, but no obvious injuries and I haven't found any ticks on him.

I will write a post about my father's funeral service and my eulogy later.  It will be a long post and I haven't had the energy to write it yet.

My goal for this weekend is to get all the PentaCon GM registrations straightened out and submitted.  I also will be making a write-up about my father to be put in this year's PentaCon book, which I have been told I could do without paying for advertising space.

Today was the visitation/showing.  (though there was no body to show because my father wished to be cremated)  It was mostly intolerable.  I spent most the time in the "quiet room" to stay away from all the people.  I even slept through about half of it.  I just couldn't stand all these strangers or practically strangers coming up and consoling me.  Tomorrow will be the memorial services, which I suspect will be even less tolerable.

On the other hand, I greatly appreciate the support I have gotten from my friends.  Thank you all for your e-mails, messeges, comments, and calls.  Mandy even came to visit me last weekend.  I really wish she could have stayed longer, but I understand that just wasn't possible.

At the end of the visitation/showing, I sang "Bye Bye Blackbird" which was a song my father sang often.  I was really proud of myself for singing it without breaking into tears.  The truth is I've barely cried at all.  I've teared up a little, but really haven't cried yet.  I feel more like physically attacking someone rather than crying.

On sunday, I was at the meeting to discuss services.  I was disappointed by the prayer cards they had to offer, so I decided to make my own.  They didn't have any cards featuring St. Michael which is my father's name sake.  These are the cards I designed.  Cover Art : Robert M Place; Prayer: Excerpts from Revelations 12:7-9 and Pope XII's St Michael prayer.  I did the design layout.

 Sorry for the poor quality, but they came out looking really nice when printed.

Well, now I need to get cracking on the eulogy.

Oh, and still need to decide what to have engraved on my finger print pendant...*sigh*

-Rae 

My family and I are requesting that instead of sending flowers to please make donation to Science Central in Fort Wayne.  My father volunteered there alot and greatly enjoyed his time there and felt passionately about the museum's mission.

 Please send donations to Science Central:

1950 North Clinton Street, Fort Wayne, IN 46805

Please be sure to mention that the donation is in Michael Surface's honor.

Thanks 

I really don't want to be surrounded my grieving people, so I have cloistered myself downstairs.  I've been designed my own prayer cards (because the funeral home had none for St. Michael, my fathers name sake).  I'll post pics of those later when I as finished.  I'm also finding songs for my sister to play during the slide show of pictures.  I'm also preparing to perform a song or two if I don't have a complete break down.  Oh, and of course preparing the eulogy.

Any and all messages are appreciated, but don't ask me vague questions like "who are you doing?"  I fucking hate that question at any time let alone now. 

I ordered a pendant as a keepsake.  Its a imprint of my father's finger in silver and has a very nice chain.  I can have something engraved on the back for no extra charge.  I'm going crazy trying to decide what I want inscribed on it and it has to be pretty short.  Right now, because of my emotional state before my father's death I'm leaning toward somethin to reminder how my father never gave up on me and always had faith in me.  I've also considered incorporating my dad's nickname for me 'Gremlin.'

Here are a few ideas: (*heart* = heart symbol)

Gremlin *heart* Daddy

Dad *heart* Gremlin forever

Michael's memory won't fade

Daddy never gave up on me

Daddy believes in Gremlin

Alway's Daddy's Gremlin

**Daddy never doubted me 

This next one is a quote froma letter he wrote me: "I love you very much."

**implies my fav at the moment, but I'm not entirely satisfied. 

 Serious suggestions welcome.

P.S. - look at my new album...bitches!

1. I'll Fly Away - Allison Krauss (from O brother where are't thou soundtrack)

2. I Grieve - Peter Gabriel (from City of Angels soundtrack) 

3. The Green Bag -  George Baker (from Reservoir Dogs soundtrack)

4.  Looking Back my Back Door - Creedence Clearwater Revival (CCR was a favorite bad of my fathers)

5. Someday Never Comes - Creedence CLearwater Revival

6. Breath in - Paloalta

7. The Captain - Kasey Chanbers

8. Still Fighting it - Ben Folds Five

9. Can't find my way back home - Blind Faith 

10. Slower, Weaker - Cheral 

My father died friday the 20th at about 2:40pm.

I'm still in shock.

 For anyone interested in GMing at Pentacon which will be the first weekend of Noverber.  You can find all the formed you need at http://www.pentacongames.com/  These forms must be turned in by July 30 in order to get the $10 discount per game you GM.  I could probably find commidations for some peole at my house, but since things are finacial uncertain, I'm not sure if my mom with be keeping the house.

I am still planning to go.  I want to get a section in the program that mentions my father's passing and the many things he did for Pentacon.  I also plan to run one of the games he was planning on running.  Also, I plan to put together a fundraiser for Science Central, which is a museum in Fort Wayne that my father was an active and well appreciate volunteer.

 I'd really like to see more GM as Pentacon.  It sound like they are make some possitive changes to the con that should increase the sense of community and create more. Fun.

 If you have problems with the online forms, let me know asap.  I can scan the paper ones I have and e-mail them to you pdf tyle.

 -Rae

 P.S. - New Photo Album has been added.  Moody sort of self portraits to reflect my recent loss.

Love you all. 

The first thought I had when reading the words "power bird" was "slide?" If you get why, I love ya...

Your Power Bird is an Owl

You are beyond wise. You are so smart, you're almost prophetic. Your inner voice always speaks the truth, and you take the time to listen to it. You are good at seeing who people are... including the darkness of others. As a result, you tend to have a rather dark - yet realistic - outlook on life.

I forgot to mention earlier added a new Photo Album to my public gallery.

-Rae 

I know I updated it earlier this week, but I have decided I wanted to keep a record of the songs I had put on my play list.  The order of the playlist is mostly random.  If I felt like explaining anything about the songs in my playlist in the future.  I will include it in the Playlist Update post.

1.  Poloata - Breathe In

2.  Kasey Chambers - The Captain

3.  Ben Folds Five - Still Fighting it

4.  Starsailor - Fever

5.  Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories - Alone

6.  Frente! - Burning girl

7.  Guster - One Man Wrecking Machine

8.  Blind Faith - Can't find my way home

9.  Mike Ruekberg - Bad Together

10.  Chiral - Slower, Weaker  (this is a band of a guy I once knew had belonged.  I don't believe they recorded more than 2 songs)

This is also where you can post comments on the songs in the playlist.

-Rae 

I have made some minor, but I think important revisions to the poem I wrote from which the title for this site was inspired.

Vestal Heart 

-Rae

First topic of discussion: The pleasures of the disfortunate "short" (I would call average) women
(Disclaimer: You must be this --> tall to laugh.)

-guys are taller than you (bet you can't count the number of guys you've dated that are taller than you on one hand. I can.)
-you can find pants that are easily long enough (you can even *gasp* fold them over!)
-your shoes aren't mistaken for canoes
-you can have a 2 digit weight and not be grossly under weight
-you don't have everyone ask you if you play basketball (a sport I greatly dislike I might add)
-your shirt sleaves reach your wrists (3/4 sleaves are my best friend)
-you don't have to bend over just to reach door handles (I'm not kidding)
-you aren't accidentally called "sir" when a sales-person notices your stature, but not your face (I'm not THAT butch am I? But I like my hair short *whine*)
-people don't use you as a replacement for a step stool (meaning you aren't constaintly being asked to get things off high shelves)
-just remember that no one has ever complained about having too much leg room...

If you didn't get those jokes, then you're too short, and you cannot join the rest of us as we are laughing at the clouds.

-Rae 

I think I'm going to sleep through all the thoughts swirling through my head after getting a voice mail from a long lost friend.  I could make a guess which number was their's, but I'm just not in the mood right now.  I know I need them.  But do they need me, and do they care?  I thought I had moved on.  Clearly, I haven't.  For the first time in my life, I am truely lonely.  Not a loner.  Not alone.  But lonely and miserable because of it.  This is no plea for help.  I hope they call back.  I'll take the silencer off my phone.

I wrote this the same 24 hours I was dumped by my boyfriend and essecially dumped by my best friend.  I never showed it to anyone.  I don't like to hurt people or let others know how much they hurt me, because, in the end, I always forgive them.  I'll always forgive you.

Love,

Rae 

Sorry for the site not being up.  I closed the bank account that squarespace withdraws from.  But I got it back and running.  The extra cash a month for this site is worth it.  Once I've master Flash 8 better, I plan to get my own domain name.  But right now this provides everything I need.  Multiple pages, photo albums, restricted access, image and video host and much more.

I removed the guest book because all you lazy bumms refused to sign in.  *angry face*

Anyway as a treat here is a little pic of myself.  This is me all dramatic for a  photo shoot.  Don't worry the red stuff on my arm is paint.  Look, I have eyebrows!!  Uber darkened.  I kind like the look.  I think I might start darkening my brows a little.

Well, in addition to all this.  Life kinda sucks.  I'm pretty lonely.  My folk are at the lake cottage constantly and when they are here they fawn over how I'm feeling and looking.  Having toubles meeting people my age.  Clubs scare the living shit out of me and the idea of going to some social gathering alone doesn't sound pleasant eather.

I REALLY want to go to the Taste of the Chicago, but I just don't think the money is there.  My parents will pay for a trip to my sisters (which I love seeing her), but socializing with people outside my family seems to be a low priority to them.

I'm going to try to up date the music on my player.

Currently, Kasey Chamber's "The Captain" has been on my mind lately, even though I have no captain in my life.

Wow, this post is depressing.

One more thing.  Check out the poetry section!!  I added a new poem I wrote very recently.  It is still a work in progress, but I felt I had to write it immmediately.

Red paint everywhere,

Rae 

Someone on a discussion group I have been frequenting has this little quote in their avatar:

"Every time I go to the doctor I get a jacket, a straight one.  It makes me feel special because I get to hug myself."

I just had to share it...