Fire in the Wind

So, I'm avoiding calling doctors and asking if they will accept my new health insurance.  And what does one do to avoid the inevitable?  Take quizzes on facebook, of course.  And I found the perfect quiz for me: What zombie fighting weapon best suits you?

And to my surprise and great amusement, a discussion of grave importance raged.  26 comments in the span of about 15 minutes.

What can I say?  The laughing...it hurt.  I love the psycho people I have associated with over the years.

Rae "Bludgeoning is where it's at" Surface

P.S. - The link to the thread should work for anyone who is a friend of mine on facebook, but I'm still uncertain if it will work right.  Could someone let me know if it works for them?

Sometimes we have to make changes and they can't wait for New Years.  I've always felt New Years resolutions were kinda lazy and an excuse to put off what could be done today.  Not to put down procrastinators.  I'm a particularly adept one and so are most of the people near and dear too me.

So, getting to the point.  Decisions have been made.

For the past couple years I've been playing fast and loose with my health, which is a nice way to say I stopped giving a fuck.  And as I started to regain my sanity, I forgot to start caring again. 

Well, I've remembered now that I do indeed enjoy life for the most part and would like it to stay enjoyable for as long as possible.  For the best chances of this, I need to take better care of myself.  I have to stop living in denial about the fact that I have (what is for now) a life-long disease, and I have to take some responsibility again.  I did this for awhile in college (amazingly enough).  If I hadn't, I never would have graduated.  I look back now with a little bit of amazement that I was able to make some big changes in my lifestyle. 

Some of those changes (and the mindset that came with them) have sticked, but I've let many of them slip away.  I've been very complacent and lazy.  Well, to not be totally harsh, I have picked up some good habits again over the past year, especially since I started working.  But I have yet to really get back into the mindset of taking care of myself, of being aware of my health and acting on that awareness in a positive way.  (Not the easiest thing in the world: to make the right decisions regarding an illness, yet not to actually THINK about the illness.)

So, once again, decisions have been made. 

I'm not announcing my decisions.  I find talking too much about doing something makes me lose the momentum to actual DO it.  In fact, I wasn't even going to write this post  But I think I need to make some kind of public declaration to reassure myself...and perhaps others. 

I know not many read my blog, but I know those who do drop in tend to worry about me.  I've had a rough couple years and perhaps I've given people reason to worry.  So, for those people, please don't worry TOO much.  It's not good for any of us.  I don't like people to worry about me.  It's not that I don't appreciate your concern, but being responsible for my own emotional state is burden enough, thank you. :P 

So have (faith?).  Decisions have been made.  And for the better.

Rae "not dead yet" Surface

Once again, Nelly McKay says if for me:

"Because I'm tired of being sweet and nice
Fuck you once and fuck you twice"

Listen to the whole song and read the lyrics before you pass judgement.  Links below for those who have in the past missed that there were links within the text.  ::sigh::

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JR7xeUE92w&feature=related

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nelliemckay/identitytheft.html

Sometimes I wonder why I bother writing and scribbling so much when I find someone else can express my thoughts better than I can at times.  And this ties into the title of this post (somewhat):  We've become a society of people defined by what we like (music, movies, books) and not by what we do (I don't just mean your job), and this annoys the shit out of me. 

Conversations are about movies and books.  The more you can quote from pop culture, the wittier conversationalist you are.  The more you've read or watched, the more accomplished you are.  Though this makes socializing much easier for mostly introverted nerds like myself, I still find it pretty sad.  I've spent alot of my life just absorbing other people's creations (watching movies, reading books, listening to music).  Though I may spend more time than the average person also writing and creating music myself, I'm still forced to define myself by my "favorites".  "What's your favorite movie?"  "I dunno, I like alot of them."  "What music do you listen to?"  "Um, what have you got?"  "What kind of books do you like?"  "The ones with words in them...and the ones with pictures."  Though I have learned to give conversationally appropriate answers to these questions, I feel like I'm expressing nothing about myself when I do this; I'm only continuing the farce of keeping myself and others entertained.  Who I am is what I do.

I hate it when people tell me "You're not what you do."  If I'm not what I do, then just what am I exactly?  Just a compilation of all the music I listen to, books I read and movies I watch?  Just a collection of other people's creations to keep me entertained?  The truth is: you are what you do.  If you spend most your life working at a job you don't like, well tough, that's how you will be defined when you're dead.  People don't list the favorite movies and tv shows of the deceicted at funerals. 

You might be thinking, "Wait a minute, Rae.  People will be remembered for other things in his/her life too.  And even if they aren't, since when do you care so much about how people remember you?"  First, let me ask you a question: what do you know about your great-grandparents?  Stop.  Think about it.  I'm betting not much.  If anything, you know their occuption and where they lived.  Maybe you know a little more about one particularly interesting ancestor that never lived to meet you personally, but that's probably it.  My point being, where you live and your occupation is all most people get written about in the history books, and by history books, I mean the public census archives.

Second, we ALL care about how we are remembered.  Some people care less than others, but the vast majority of humanity needs the acknowledgement of other people.  The existence of twitter.com should be convincing enough evidence of this.  Face it.  You care about how many people will remember you and for how long.

So, what's the point? to this post? to your life?  Sometimes the point of something is to just be.

Rae

Too much Daria.  Too much reminicing.  Too much regret.

I know it is suppose to be shameful to feel regret.  Especially now-a-days, no one is suppose to regret anything because it's bad for your self-esteem or some shit.  But --Damn it-- I have regrets, I've made mistakes, and I have faults.  Is it so bad for me to want to OWN these things because they are mine and they are part of what defines me.

Perhaps it's immature or self-indulgent, but I can be those things too, and I'm past trying to change myself; to "improve" myself.  Except (ha ha) in one way, to just accept myself and my faults (strengths too, I suppose) without guilt or apology.

One might argue that if I accept myself, I won't have regrets.  But I see it this way: I'd rather accept that I have regrets and be honest with myself.  Maybe some people can claim to have no regrets and be honest;  Everyone has different ways of dealing with past disappointments.  But I cannot.  I must acknowledge my regrets, learn from them, accept them and then move on.  Though possibly not in that order.

One last odd thought to myself about this subject is that I suspect most people (if they knew all my life's secrets and decisions and inactions) would not guess correctly what I do and don't regret in my life.  Here's a hint: I mostly regret the things I didn't do, not the things I have done.

Rae "the contemplative life" Surface

This is pretty much how I feel most of the time.  It's right under the skin.

Unfortunately, I can't embed this video, but I'd really appreciate friends taking the time to watch/listen to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQhYvpSXcdE

Rae "Find a cure for my life" Surface

I am now obsessed with Braddock, Penn.  The mayor, John Fetterman, was on The Colbert Report. Watch that episode HERE.

Read more about the place in THIS New York Times article.

And check out the town's website created by the major.

I have to visit this place.  Yes, these are the places I want to go for a roadtrip.  Who's coming with?

These are the things I learned during my recent visit to Chicago:

1.  Always read the directions carefully or else people may die.

2.  You don't have to know how to correctly use a martial arts weapon to make it deadly.

3.  Everynight should be BoonesFarm night.

4.  There is no point to shouting "Oopa!" in a Greek Resteraunt if only one plate of cheese is being set aflame.

5.  I am awesome at pictonary. (It's true!)

6.  It's a hard ticket to Hawaii.  It's not always paradise.

7.  There isn't much left on television that is "age appropriate"

8.  Netflix streaming video isn't as good since they started streaming quality movies and not just B through Z movies like before.

9.  A 9 volt battery have two AAA batteries inside it.  (I was told this by a 9 year old.  I believe her because she is probably smarter than I am.)

10.  There is no such things as a wheel throwing dance.

11.  Forgetting to pack chapstick is like forgetting oxygen on a trip into space.

12.  "Hot Pot" is the meal demonstration Natural Selection.  Only the fastest and most cunning get to eat.

13.  An un-named law student who is studying for the Bar with snap in a week's time.

14.  If the blow-up sex doll was in on it, you have to kill her too.

15.  How the surgery went doesn't matter; it's only how the stitches look afterward that matters.

16.  Chicago is awesome, and I miss everyone there.

-Rae

If you know of anything else I learned in Chicago, but forgot to mention, let me know.

-----

Additional:

17.  Getting shot in the chest is now an out-patient procedure that needs nothing more than a bandage...then you can go kick more ass.

Watch this video and know what it is like to be me.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/423444

Would people please stop asking about the Wii?  I'm not a fucking genii people!

My last check confirmed that all the song on my playlist are working. If they don't work for you make sure your java and flash are updated and you cache cleard.  Thanks.  Take the time to listen to all of them.  They are good and telling about myself (for those who care).  Please leave comments about the music.  How I loooong for comments.  THanks to those who have.  You have not been forgotten.

Muah

Antie Rae

I forgot how much I loved the movie The Fisher King.  If you haven't seen it, go see it.  If you haven't seen it in the last year, watch it again. (If you have Netflix, you can watch it streaming online.)

It's directed by Terry Gilliam, one of my favorite directors.  The cast is brilliant.  Mercedes Reuhl won an Oscar for her performance, but all the actors deserved awards: Jeff Bridges, Robin Williams and Amanda Plummer star.  And an amazingly funny performance by character actor Michael Jeter.  And a cameo by Tom Waits, for those music nerds who know who he is.

The movie is a great balance of comedy and drama.  Very funny sometimes and also very poignant.

There is rarely a movie i would recommend to EVERYBODY.  I usually know my taste differ a lot from others and I wouldn't recommend a movie to somebody if I don't think they would like it.  This is a movie anyone can like and find something great about it.  So, that is why I feel the need to tell at least the few people who check out my blog about this movie.

Just wanted to share something beautiful.

Rae

"Can I help you find something?" is Target talk for "What are you doing here, and how will it inconvenience me?"

Yep, I've started training at Target.  Not the most glamorous job, but it's a way to start working again, earn a little money, and get out of the house.

"Can I help you find something?" is Target's little key phrase that they want all their employees to use.  With any luck, since I'm working in the Photo Lab, I won't actually have to hunt down store items for clueless morons--I mean, "guests".  You see at Target, they don't have customers; they have guests.

Corporate assimilation in 3...2...

I'm also going to be helping with a local public access show.  Watch previous shows Here.  They plan to put me on camera every chance they get since I'm the only female working on the show, and they don't want to be viewed at a bunch of religion bashing white males.

That's all for now.

Rae

...and that's all I have to say about that.

Moving forward.  I need to get an idea for my Call of Cthulhu campaign for PentaCon this year so I can register it.  I'm determined to write my own like I did last year, but I haven't thought of any ideas that are nearly as good as last year's.  So, this is a call out for anyone who has read some H.P. Lovecraft and perhaps know something about table-top role-playing games; I need ideas for the campaign and fast.

Also, I've changed the player for my music playlist.  Since I can have up to 100 songs on this player, I'm likely to just keep adding songs rather than change the playlist completely as I did in the past.  Check out my current playlist.

Toot-a-loo

Another PentaCon has come and gone.  This was my first time GMing at the PentaCon.  2 of my games were full, but one only had two people.  I am mostly proud about how well my "CAll of Cthulhu" game went.  I had 6 players and they all role-played well.  I got great complements for the scenerio and even surprise that I wrote it myself.  People really enjoyed it.  I still want to tweak it a little and try running it again with new players.

 My sister came to PentaCon this year for the first time in a while.  She brought my nephew who was dressed an Luke Skywalker.  You can find pictures in my Photo Album.

Sara and I played a minitures space battle game where we were the Federation.  Apparently we won, but we sure got the shit beaten out of us.

As always, I had alot of fun and enjoyed seeing old familiar faces.  My father was sorely missed and many came up to me to say just that.  I'll just have to double my obnoxiousness during the next Con to make up for his absence.

-Rae

So, I actually went to a costume party.  It's been years since I had a reason to dress-up for Holloween.  I was considering a bunch of different costumes, but decided to use the occation as a excuse to buy something I always wanted to buy...belly dancing clothes.  I has a great time at the party and should be getting a couple photos from the actual party soon.  For now I just have some snap shots my mom took of me before I left for the party.  You can see more in the photo gallery.

I've been writing like a fiend. Check out and review some of my work at Writerscafe.com.

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